Emotionally Emotional... If that makes any sense...

So I have been gone for a while, mainly because I have been really busy getting my photography stuff in order and have just been flat out exhausted. I haven't stayed up and played on the computer in a while, as soon as the kids go to bed so do I. But I am just feeling very down/emotional/sad/worried/scared you name it I am feeling it right now. I feel like I just want to lay down and cry. Just cry for as long as I need to in order to feel better. But then again I don't know how long it would take for me to stop if I did. I have so much going through my head right now that I need to write it down, share it with someone and just let it out.

The hubby is gone so much with work that every once in a while it really gets to me. He has a 365 days a year contract with a local city that requires someone to work every single day of the week, most the time being him. Lately he has been home on Sunday's with only having to go into the office and let the employees in at 4:00 am and he might stick around and do some minimal work but on Sundays he tries to be home by 10:00 am at the latest. I try and keep myself and the kids busy but his absence really gets me down sometimes.

I worry about everyone and everything. When we M and I were taking our marriage classes, I remember our Reverend saying to me that I would worry myself to death if I didn't stop worrying about useless stuff.... well I still haven't found a way to make myself stop and right now I really feel it has taken a toll on me.

My little boy Eli spiked a fever on Thursday night. It came out of nowhere and he had no other symptoms to accompany it. We were at my cousins graduation when out of no where he started getting really fussy and my parents noticed he had a fever. We came home and I gave him Tylenol and he was out pretty fast so I figured the Tylenol would help bring it down and since he fell asleep so fast I never even bothered taking his temperature. My dad insisted that Eli was going to sleep in bed with him that night and normally I fight it because it gets Eli out of his routine and when my parents leave it is so hard on me trying to get him back on it but for some reason I didn't fight my dad that night. I said ok and just left Eli in bed and I went to bed. Well since that night I just keep thanking God for making me not think twice about Eli spending the night out of his crib. At around 4 in the morning we woke up to my mom banging on our door screaming to call 911 that Eli was having combulsions. I heard that and I just kinda froze, I could hear my dad screaming "Mijo" "Mijo" but it just seemed like I was dreaming it took me a few seconds to realize that something was really wrong. Mark ran out of the room and I ran to the dresser for the phone to call 911. I was on the phone with the operator for what seemed forever I don't remember what I said other than my son was having a seizure. I know I continued to repeat the address to our house over and over and over. I am not sure if I thought it would get them here faster, I don't. When I finally got off the phone Mark or my dad (not sure) had already taken Eli downstairs and he was crying. Mark was holding him but he was so disoriented and could not hold himself up. I remember Mark tried to lift his little arm and it just flung right back down. It took me a moment to realize he was soaked. My parents had put him in the tub and hosed him down with cool water to try and bring the fever down quickly. When the paramedics finally got here he was still crying but he was more alert. His fever was at 104 after the cold bath. With the fever still being that high and not having a cause as far as we could tell, they urged us to take him into the hospital. Once at the hospital they ran some blood work to make sure that his blood count was good and they did some other cultures. Everything came back negative and he was given some Motrin which quickly brought down his fever to 102 and then it continued to come down slowly. By the time we got out of the hospital Eli was feeling so much better and was smiling and giggling and back to his normal self. Like nothing had happened. They ended up telling us that he had had a seizure. Febrile Seizure to be exact. They are caused when a child spikes a fever too fast (their body temperature rises too quickly) about 5% of children get them and they usually outgrow them by the time they are 6. They are not re-occurring like they won't pop out of nowhere, but now that we know we need to make sure and give him medication right away as soon as we notice any sign of a fever to try and maintain it below 102. We have had a busy weekend, my parents were in town for a family reunion originally and I am so thankful they were here that night. I just keep going back and thinking that I would have probably put him in his crib. When he is sick I get up and check on him throughout the night but chances of me even noticing what was happening to him if I wasn't in the room with him are pretty slim. Had my dad not insisted on Eli sleeping with him I am not sure if something worse could have happened. He was so quiet and I only remember hearing him cry once he was in the shower. Apparently he was like that for about 3 minutes (No real time because both my mom & dad will say different times as everyone remembers things differently) I am terrified and I didn't even see him. My youngest sister heard my dad screaming and ran into the room as he was having the seizure. Thank God that by the time Mark and I saw him he had already stopped because I don't know how I would be had I seen him. I know how to react when something like that happens since it happened several times while I was teaching to a few kids, and back in high school when I was in sports. I know what to do and normally I don't freeze. I am pretty good about reacting right away, however it is so different when it is your child. Once I realized what was happening I was quick to react but even then I could not get my head straight to realize that I needed the shoes right in front of me for us to get out the door to get to the hospital. I am thanking God so much for my dad being here. Now that we are aware I pray that it never happens again. I know to take precautions with him and get him on meds as soon as we notice any sign of a fever. Like I said before I just want to lay down and cry. I want to hold both Eli and Myla and never let them go. I want to be able to protect them and I cringe at any thought of them ever being in any pain. A few of my friends say I am a Helicopter mom, "Chopper Mom" that I hover over them and I would agree that not that I necessarily hover over them but I am a worrier, I am constantly watching them even if we are in the same room just to make sure that Eli doesn't figure out how to take the outlet cover off, or now that Myla is sitting to make sure that she doesn't put that little speck of something on the floor in her mouth and chokes on it. I can't be a carefree mom like many of my mommy friends, I just can't and I am afraid that being so paranoid is affecting my health since I am always worried I always feel anxious. So now the new hurdle that I am trying to get over is getting Eli back in his crib. Since that happened he has been sleeping bed in between M and I. I can't bring myself to have him sleeping in his crib alone after what happened. I am not getting any sleep and I don't know how to overcome this. Like I said before these are rare seizures (only fever induced) I know there are far worse things out there that many families are dealing with and I am Thanking the Lord that our little man is ok however tonight I am asking him to please give me the strength to overcome this new fear. I am asking him to let this be the only time this happens, and to help me overcome this anxiety.

And something to make you smile... my baby boy happy as can be!

and to make your smile wider... my baby girl, not so happy! :)