17 Weeks = Hardest Week Yet :(

Ok, let me start off by saying how incredibly blessed I am to have Mark in my life, to have our handsome little boy, and to be expecting this little one now, but for some reason this week was incredibly hard on me as far as actually being able to see how truly lucky I am.... This might be a long post... Pregnancy wise everything is going fine, the baby is still nonstop in the movement department which is a good sign since in all reality that is all I have to show for as far as being pregnant. Still nothing on the weight which is good! I was a little worried about that, with this being the second pregnancy I figured I would for sure be racking up the lbs a little faster than I did with E, but it seems to be the same which is good because in all honestly I think I added a roll to my belly when E weened himself from the boob! Ohh and apparently my children just LOVE grapes! I remember when I was pregnant with E, all I ate were frozen grapes with MnM's... well this little one LOVE'S the grapes just as much (yeah still frozen) but I like out just out of the fridge too but instead of MnM's to accompany them this time around it is CHEESE!!! Yup that is right, the CHEESE is in the neighborhood and has officially kicked PICKLES out! Not that pickles aren't great, but I am just not having a panic attack anymore if they are not in our fridge. It has gotten to the point where I have to stop at the store on our way home from wherever to pick up a block of Cheese, as soon as we get into the car I break it open and just bite off a chunk right then and there! Yes crazy... I think I have been trying really hard to control it but I am probably going through three 8 oz blocks of Cheese per week all by myself, and that does not include the cheese I eat on everything else like tacos, or quesadillas, bagels ect... And did I mention how much I love Cheese with Grapes! Just pop a two grapes in my mouth and a piece of cheese and OMG... Heaven!!!!! So by the end of this week I know I will for sure be heavier :) Anyway... like I said, all is good in the baby department so moving on....

Back to the beginning of the post... I had been feeling very down lately... probably for about a little over a month now I just started feeling sad for some reason... It got to the point where I was having to remind myself how blessed I am several times throughout the day and at night... I have been crying over EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and literally cry an average of 4-5 times a day, and not just a few tears but full on can't control my sobbing type of crying. I started getting really worried that maybe I was getting depressed or something, I started looking at every possible thing that could be causing this feeling of sadness and anxiety but in all honesty I can't find anything because I truly am happy... so why can't I feel it! I noticed I started being very mean to Mark, and would snap at him for the stupidest little things that normally wouldn't bother me at all. I had less patience with E and Eddie and would literally have a meltdown if I could not find the flip flop I wanted. After about a month of this I ended up telling Mark that I thought something was up... I told him how I had been feeling, that nothing seemed to make me happy and I lost motivation for everything... it seemed like I was just going through the motions each day. We sat there together while I admitted to him and myself that I was depressed. He held me and I cried so for the next week he would come home and was EXTRA helpful with E and around the house, if he saw that I needed time he just let me be, if I cried he just held me, or held my hand, a few times I just sobbed on the floor in the shower and he would come in and just hold me. In all honestly I don't know where these feelings came from they just appeared overnight one day but I felt a little relief in knowing that he knew I wasn't myself. It got to the point where one day I almost lost it with E... It breaks my heart to even think of it now, but I am just sooooo thankful that I was aware that something was wrong with me. So E was being very fussy on Wednesday, he cried all morning and I tried every single possible thing to get him to calm down. Gave him Tylenol, held him, took him for a walk tried to put him down for naps, played with him, literally I tried everything I could think of, we finally came upstairs to change the scenery for him. I figured maybe he would get distracted and stop crying... well it only got worse, it was now 1:00 pm and he had yet to take a nap and was still screaming, I was walking around with him in my arms hoping he would calm down a bit, at that point I think my frustration just got to me and I felt the urge to spank him. (This breaks my heart just thinking that I ever thought anything like that) yes, I felt that I needed to spank him to calm him down. At that point as quickly as I had that feeling and the feelings I had been having for the last month or so all came falling down on me... I set E on the floor and let him cry and I huddled in the corner of our bedroom and just lost it... I cried so much because I instantly felt so guilty that I could ever think that and then out I just started praying. I cried and prayed for what seemed like for ever, I asked God to forgive me. I asked him to help me get over these feelings I have been having. I asked him to help me get over all the negativity. I asked him for more faith. I asked him to help me get over what I was going through. Then I cried some more... but I started feeling so different, it's like something inside me changed, my sobbing slowed down a bit and then I started thanking him. I thanked him for my amazing husband who is more than I ever imagined having in a partner. I thanked him for putting Mark in my path because he helps keep me going, he supports me in everything I decide to do, even all my crazy ideas. He may smile and say I am crazy but he does things and does them because he wants too and not for him but for me. He puts me and E before him all the time. (Well not when he is watching his show on TV) He is an amazing father to E. Then I thanked God for our son... who at that moment had also stopped crying and was just staring at me. Not smiling, not frowning, not doing anything just staring. I then realized what had been wrong this whole time... like I said I had been going through the motions like a robot for a while that I was not showing E how much I truly loved him... maybe my feelings were not showing through my actions and I truly believe babies can sense these things. So I started sobbing again, went over, picked him up and and held him, I kissed him, and just keped whispering to him how much mommy loved him and how important he was too me, how truly special and blessed he has made our lives. I think the fact that I had been crying so much in front of him lately had possibly gotten to him too, he was sleeping horribly at at night and did not want to nap during the day either. In all honestly I think he might have been scared too. When I realized all this, I felt like crying even more because I realized he had been so fussy all morning because of me... I ended up stripping us down and put us both in the shower... we were probably in there for a half hour, I just held him and he just put his little head on my shoulder holding me too... I continued thanking God for everything I could think of, Mark, Eli, Eddie, my family, his family, (our family) our friends, our house, a job that he still has in a struggling economy, our faith, food, clothes, our health, everything I could think of... and then finally for that moment I was having with my son in the shower... my crying had finally stopped and it seemed like both he and I were as calm as we had ever been. I finally turned the shower off, wrapped us up in a towel, I put a diaper on him and then we just cuddled in bed until we both ended up falling asleep. To my surprise when I woke up I felt like a completely different person. I was SMILING... because I felt like smiling, I was happy again, I called Mark just to tell him I loved him and to tell him I was Good... he knew what I was talking about because he said he loved me too then asked if I was good for "today" or if I was "good"... I just said, I'm OK! See ya when you get home! E and I then headed over to the grocery store and I actually made dinner and picked up the house a bit, not only did I have much more energy than I had had but I felt sooooo Good! Just like my "feelings" had appeared overnight, they were gone just like that! I am just so thankful that God had given me the ability to see that I was not being myself right away and that I had shared it with Mark, it made things a little easier and in the end being aware of it I think made it so I could overcome it! I think admitting it to myself was finally the turning point and restoring my faith was the main key! I truly do love my life, I God, I love my husband, I love my son, I love this new child growing inside me, I love our dog, I love our families and I love that I am able to feel like me again. The happy, stubborn, moody self that I am.